Crazy Tales and Other Stories

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Learn how to escape from Amazon Warriors or to save the world from evil geniuses and mad scientists. Destroy ravenous termites and rescue cheerleaders from a raging river.

Join David Watkins as he does this and more in Crazy Tales and Other Stories. Learn why men and women behave so differently. Understand how to resolve the energy crisis. Learn how company executives are going to cut costs.

In these pages you will not only find a memorable collection of tall tales and humorous speeches but you will also receive hints on how to craft your own tall tales and speeches so you too can become a successful speaker.

Currently out of print


Excerpt from "The Amazon Adventure"

Excerpt from "Dust Bowl Days Revisited"

She paused for a moment, eyeing me in that same strange and hungry-like manner. It was becoming a little unsettling.

"We cannot let you leave. If you were to tell the world of our existence evil men would come to destroy our way of life."

"However," she added, "we will not kill you. You are obviously a very strong, handsome, and virile male. You could reintroduce strength back into our tribe, something that is sorely missing from our current males."

Reintroduce strength? At first I thought she was talking about setting up an aerobics class. Then her meaning became clear. 
The wind was so strong and carried so much dust and grit that people didn't bother to paint their houses. The wind would just sandblast the paint right off the buildings.

I remember we went to visit some family friends. We had never visited their house before and my Mom remarked how nice their stucco exterior looked. They laughed and said it wasn't stucco. It used to be brick. The wind had sandblasted the brick until it was as smooth as stucco.

Sometimes the wind and dust were an advantage. We never had to clean the windows on our house or car. They were sandblasted clean. The disadvantage was every two or so years we had to replace them, they would get so thin that the wind would blow right through the glass.


Excerpt from "The Skyhook and the Cheerleaders"

Excerpt from "David and the Termites"

The wind blows so strong across the flat plains of the Texas Panhandle you have to stand at an angle to avoid being blown over. It blows so hard it isn't safe to use ladders. No matter how well you tie them against something the wind always blows them over, often with you on them. Back in the dust bowl days of the 1930s Grandfather Watkins invented the "sky hook" to get around this problem. Yes, that's right, the skyhook.

I know what you are thinking. There is no such thing as a real skyhook. A skyhook is a joke, something that the old guys use to mess with the new guy, as in, "hey new guy, go to the truck and get me a skyhook to hang that pipe on." While the poor guy is tearing up the truck trying to find a skyhook the rest of the guys are rolling on the ground laughing.

A sky hook looks very much like a grappling hook, except that the arms are much longer, are straight not curved, and have wide flairs at the end. The sky hook works like a grappling hook. You twirl the skyhook as fast as you can on its rope and then toss it as high in the dusty air as you can. As the skyhook descends the flared ends grab onto the dust in the air. If the dust is thick enough the skyhook will eventually hang there, suspended.

We are not exactly sure how it works. I know the Texas Tech University Physics Department has been studying how skyhooks work for many years. They think it has something to do with static electricity, string theory, dark matter, and weak Van der Waals gravitational forces.

People say there is no such thing as a skyhook. And they are right, everywhere except in the Texas Panhandle. There they're real and using them is how I saved the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
"Hey Bro, great shrimp boil," I said, my mouth full of shrimp.

I was visiting my brother and his family in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I love going there not only to be with them but to be able to enjoy real Cajun cuisine. To celebrate my visit he decided to do a real Cajun shrimp boil (he did not do a crawdad boil, since I just cannot bring myself to suck the crawdad heads).

If you have never been to a shrimp boil, it is pretty simple to do. You take a pot about the size of a small hot tub and place it on top of an industrial butane burner. The pot is filled with water. Special spices and seasonings are added and the water is brought to a rolling boil. Quartered potatoes and corn on the cob are dumped in and cooked until just tender. Then a few pounds of fresh shrimp are dumped in. The heat is turned off, the shrimp are allowed to sit in the water until they are done and then the shrimp, taters, and corn are removed. Everyone puts on giant bibs and then we dig in. As they say in Louisiana, I guarantee that be goood eatin.

The family was sitting on the wooden deck, enjoying the tender shrimp, taters, and corn. There was a lot of healthy chewing going on. As I listened it sounded like there was more chewing going on than there were people doing the chewing.

I mentioned this to my brother. "That is just the termites in the woodpile," he said, pointing to the stack of firewood near the deck. My puzzled look encouraged him to continue. "I made the mistake of not keeping the firewood off of the ground. That gave the little bastards the change to get into the wood and start eating. Over $200 worth of firewood and I cannot use it because it is infested with termites.

I couldn't believe that I could actually hear the termites chewing. I walked over to the wood pile and listened. Sure enough, I could hear a steady chewing sound.

  Table of Contents

The Tall Tales
   The Amazon Adventure [District 25 Tall Tale Contest winner - 1996]
   The Great Panhandle Flood [District 25 Tall Tale Contest winner - 1997]
   The Amazons and the Mad Scientist
   Alien Abduction
   The Skyhook and the Cheerleaders
   Secret Agent Man
   David and the Termites
   The Giant Crawdads
   How to Create Your Own Tall Tale
The Humorous Speeches
   The Wooly Mammoth Theory [District 25 Humorous Speech finalist]
   Why Men Grill
   Why Men's Brains Fall Asleep
   Dust Bowl Days Revisited
   Cost Savings for the Next Generation
   Hotter than What?
   The Handy Man [District 25 Humorous Speech finalist]
   Teenager Remote 2.0
   The Spouse Remote
   My Energy Policy
   Hand me my Bifocals Honey, I need to Text Someone [District 25 Humorous Speech Contest winner - 2009]
   Softwarelium
How to Create a Speech
The Importance of Speech Delivery

  Updated:  July 5, 2016